Depression in children and young people

If you’re worried that you child is feeling low or struggling with depression, here’s our advice on how you can help them, as well as the support we offer. If you’re worried that you child is feeling low or struggling with depression, here’s our advice on how you can help them, as well as the support we offer.

 We all have times when we feel low, unhappy or fed up. However, if these feelings are making a young person’s life difficult, last for a long period of time, or come back over and over again, it may be a sign that they’re experiencing traits of depression.

We know it can be worrying to learn that your child might be feeling this way. But remember that lots of young people experience depression and come through the other side. 

Here are just a few signs of depression, simple ways you can support young people and some of the services we offer to help young people stay happy and healthy.

Some support you may be able to access yourself. This is called a self-referral. Other times, a GP, teacher, or social worker will need to request this support for you.

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Learn more about depression and low mood

Signs and symptoms of depression

It can be difficult to know if your child is struggling with depression. So here a few of the common signs and symptoms:

When a child is depressed, they might:

feel sad or have a low mood for a long time

lose interest in things that used to bring them joy

feel tired or exhausted all the time

feel irritable or grumpy

feel empty or numb

feel tearful, miserable, lonely, or hopeless

feel more self-critical or less confident

They may also:

have trouble sleeping or sleep more than usual

struggle to concentrate

withdraw from friends and family

eat less than usual or overeat

feel guilty or unworthy

self-harm or have thoughts about self-harm.

Remember that you know your child better than anyone else. So, if they have been feeling low for a while and you’re worried, talk to them about how they’re feeling and remind them that you’re here to help.

Why is my child depressed?

Some people find that they become depressed without any obvious reason. However, some things may make children more vulnerable to depression, such as:

bullying

family difficulties

neglect

losing someone close to you

physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

family history of depression or other mental health problems

challenging events such as their parents separating or a bereavement.

How to help a child with depression

It’s concerning for any parent or carer to learn that your child is feeling sad or low. But there are small steps you can take to help them deal with their emotions and get the mental health back on track.

Start the conversation

If you think your child may be depressed, the first step is to try to talk to them about what they’re going through. You could start the conversation by letting them know that you’ve noticed that they don’t seem very happy at the moment. 

Let them know your worries in a caring and compassionate way, and if they open up, try not to quickly ‘fix’ everything or downplay their sadness. 

Listen and try to understand how they’re feeling

Listen and empathise with what they’re going through and remind them they can talk to you for as long or as often as they need to. Most importantly let them know that you love them and that these feelings won’t last forever.

Some young people find it hard to open up about what they’re feeling because they don’t want to worry or upset those around them. So, if they don’t want to talk to you, you could encourage them to speak to someone else, whether that’s a friend, family member, a charity helpline, or a combination of these sources of support.

Help them look after themselves

By working together, you could help the young person in your life look after their mental wellbeing. For example, you could cook them healthy meals, make sure they get enough sleep or help them cut down on their screen time, if it’s making them feel low.

You could also gently encourage them to do the things they enjoy. This might be things like exercising, expressing themselves creatively through colouring or painting, or going for a walk in the park. 

Take care of yourself

Looking after someone else can take a toll, so make sure you’re looking after yourself. Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or a carer, remember that your mental health is important too.

Treatment for depression in children

If the situation isn’t getting any better and you’re worried, it might be worth getting some professional support. 

Remind your child that this isn’t something they’re expected to deal with by themselves, and there’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

There are plenty of places you and your child can turn to, such as:

Their GP – If your child is struggling with low mood and you’re not sure where to turn, their GP is a good place to start. Not only can they provide information and advice, but they can also discuss therapy and medication. They can also refer your child to a mental health specialist or to Child and Adolescent Mental health Services (CAMHs), if needed. 

School – It might also be worth letting your child’s school know what’s going on, however, discuss this with your child beforehand to make sure that they’re comfortable. Their school may be able to provide mental health support such as counselling and drop-in chat sessions. Plus, they can also refer your child to CAMHS or other mental health services, if needed. 

A counsellor or therapist – From talking therapies and counselling, to art and play therapy, there are many ways a counsellor or therapist can help your child.

Charity helplines – If your child doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to you, they could contact charity helplines, such as The Mix, Childline, Samaritans or Shout.

The treatment your child is offered will depend on what age they are and how serious their symptoms are. It may include:

Therapy

A counsellor or therapist will help your child make sense of how they’re feeling, untangle difficult thoughts, and teach them healthier ways to cope. 

Sometimes this might involve talking through their thoughts and feelings with a trained professional. This is called talking therapy.

Other times, especially when working with younger children, therapists may help children express their emotions through art or play. This is helpful if they’re struggling to put their feelings into words. 

Medication

In some cases, a doctor may be able to offer your child medication if they are severely struggling to cope with their depression and the strategies that they are actively putting in place from their talking therapies don’t seem to be helping. However, there are a number of talking therapies that are recommended first.

Mental health support we offer

We know that if a child is struggling with depression, they may feel alone or like no one understands what they’re going through. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Whatever your family are going through, we’re here to help.

We have a wide range of services across the UK to help children, young people and families look after their minds – from talking therapies and art therapy to programmes in school that help children better understand their thoughts and feelings. 

You can use the search box below to find support in your area. 

You may be able to ask to access some support yourself. This is called self-referral. For some types of support, a GP, teacher, or social worker will need to request this support for you.

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Self-harm in children and young people

It can be distressing to learn that your child is self-harming. Learn more about what self-harm is, the signs of self-harm, and what you can do to support the young person in your life.

If your child is self-harming, or you’re worried they might be, it can be incredibly worrying and upsetting. You might be feeling shocked, angry, and helpless. Or maybe you’re worried about what to say or how to approach the situation

We know it’s hard but try not to panic or overreact as how you respond to your child may affect how much they open up to you later down the line. 

Remember that usually self-harm is someone’s way of dealing with difficult feelings or experiences and, with the right support, recovery is possible. 

Here we’ll discuss the signs of self-harm, how to support a young person who self-harms, as well as where you can get professional help.

We know it can be upsetting, and potentially triggering, to read information about self-harm, so if you’re feeling vulnerable you may not want to read the information below. 

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Learn more about self-harm

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves on purpose to deal with difficult or distressing feelings, memories, or situations.

Some ways young people may physically self-harm include:

cutting themselves

burning their skin

scratching themselves

biting themselves

hitting themselves or walls

pulling hair out from their head, eyebrows, or eyelashes.

However, it’s important to remember that self-harm isn’t always visible. It can also include taking part in risky behaviours, such as:

using drugs or alcohol to cope with problems

taking part in unsafe sexual behaviour

under or over-eating

excessive exercising.

Signs of self-harm

It can be hard to know if your child is self-harming as they may not want anyone else to know. 

If you are worried that your child is self-harming, here are a few signs to keep an eye out for:

unexplained cuts, bites, burns bruises, bald patches

always keeping themselves fully covered (for example, wearing long sleeves or trousers even during hot weather or avoiding activities such as swimming)

feeling depressed, anxious, or angry 

withdrawing from friends and family

low self-esteem, for example, thinking they’re not good enough.

Why do children and young people self-harm?

It’s important to remember that someone’s reasons for self-harming will be individual to them. 

It might be difficult to understand from the outside, but self-harm might be a coping technique a young person has learnt to:

manage, reduce, or express strong or upsetting emotions

relieve tension, or panic

experience physical pain to distract from emotional pain

to make invisible thoughts and feelings visible

gain a sense of being in control 

stop feeling numb 

punish themselves for their feelings and experiences.

After self-harming, some young people may feel relief in the moment. But this feeling is only temporary. The chances are that the root of the problem hasn’t gone away. 

As these challenging feelings grow again, a young person may have more urges to self-harm. Over time, self-harm can bring up difficult emotions. 

After hurting themselves, a young person, may feel ashamed, guilty, or frightened by the fact they are self-harming. They may feel even worse which may lead to more urges to self-harm. 

This can make self-harm a cycle that’s difficult to break – a habit that’s hard to stop. 

Self-harm may be a way to express or cope when something stressful or upsetting is going on in a young person’s life, such as:

being bullied

struggling with anxiety, depression, or stress

confusion about their sexuality or gender

low self-esteem or body image issues

loneliness

grief after a bereavement or loss

pressure at school or work

family or relationship problems

physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

It’s important to note that although these factors can make someone more likely to self-harm, having any of these experiences doesn’t mean that someone will self-harm. Likewise, someone who self-harms may not have experienced any of these situations. It’s very individual and varies from person to person. 

How to support a child or young person who self-harms

There are smalls steps you can take to support a child who self-harms. For example, you can: 

Open the conversation and encourage them to get support

Start the conversation with your child and let them know that they can talk to you any time, for as long as they need.

Understandably you might have lots of questions but remember that your child is going through a tough time, so focus on supporting them emotionally.

Then ask them how they’d like to be supported and encourage them to seek help.

Stay calm and don’t judge

Try to understand their emotions and experiences without judging them or focusing on their self-harm.

It might be tempting to try to ‘fix’ the situation straightaway, but it may take time.

Sometimes your child may just want someone to listen to how they are feeling and remind them of their positive qualities. 

Help them to notice when the urge to self-harm started and what’s causing it.

It can help to think together about how they feel when they want to self-harm. 

What are they thinking about and how do they feel in their body. For example, do they feel stressed and panicky, or do they feel numb and zoned out? 

This can help them to better understand what feelings they’re trying to deal with. 

Find coping techniques to help in the moment

With time and support, your child will start to understand how they feel when they self-harm and why these urges arise. Then they can learn healthier ways to cope.

But sometimes, when the urge to self-harm builds up in the moment, it can be strong and persuasive. So, it’s helpful to have a list of things they can do straight away to distract themselves from their intense feelings.

Not all of these will work for your child – and that’s okay. It varies from person to person and the feelings they’re trying to manage. So, talk to your child about different strategies they could try but give them space to find what works for them. 

Some strategies might include:

exercising

hitting a cushion

shouting and dancing 

wrapping a blanket around themselves

walking in nature

listening to soothing sounds

breathing deeply and slowly

writing lists

clenching and relaxing all their muscles

holding ice cubes

writing down any upsetting thoughts or feelings on a piece of paper and tearing it up

do something creative to express how their feeling

doing a relaxing hobby they enjoy, such as watching their favourite TV programme or baking.

Take care of yourself

Supporting someone who is self-harming can be tough. It may be a long process with lots of ups and downs. For that reason, it’s important to look after yourself. Not only will this help you keep well but it will allow you to better support your child.

What to do if a child injures themselves

As a safety precaution, it’s worth making sure your child understands first aid and what to do in an emergency if they self harm.

It’s important to take your child to hospital or your Doctor, if you’re worried about any injuries or wounds or think they require medical attention. Because, without treatment, there may be a risk of infection. 

Reassure your child that they aren’t a burden, and that they shouldn’t be embarrassed or afraid to go to a GP or hospital. Healthcare professionals are there to help them, and should treat them with compassion, dignity, and respect. 

It can help to remember that self-harm is often a coping mechanism to help someone manage difficult emotions. 

Very often, it isn’t an expression of suicidal feelings or an attempt to take their own life. However, people who have experienced suicidal thoughts are more likely to have self-harmed in the past. 

For this reason, self-harm should always be taken seriously. If you’re worried your child is struggling with self-harm, it’s important to get treatment as soon as possible to help them better cope with these distressing or overwhelming feelings. 

Mental health support we offer

Remember your family doesn’t have to face this alone. If your child is self-harming, there are different places they can get help.

Talking together with your GP is a good place to start. They’ll be able to look at your child’s injuries and give them a safe space to talk. They can also direct them to further support, such as Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services  or talking therapies. 

Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service are  services that support young people with their mental health. They are sometimes also called CYPMHS (Children and Young People’s Mental Health Services).

After your Doctor or school has referred you to CAMHS and CAMHS have accepted your referral, your child will be invited to an assessment. During the assessment, CAMHS will find out more about what they’re going through, so that they can discuss with you what the best support going forward for your child.

Talking therapies 

Your GP may also suggest your child tries talking therapies. This is where they talk to a professional about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. There are many different types of therapies. Some of the most popular are counselling or cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). 

Counselling is where they talk with a trained counsellor about a problem or situation that’s negatively affecting their mental health. Once your child understands how it affects them, they’ll then learn positive coping strategies or ways to improve the situation. 

Cognitive behaviour therapy is a type of talking therapy with a trained therapist. During a session, your child will look at their thinking patterns and behaviour and learn to find new ways of coping when they feel the urge to self-harm. 

It’s natural if your child is feeling anxious talking about self-harm. If they’re worried, remind them that everyone is on their side and are there to help. 

What they tell CAMHS, or their therapist, is confidential, unless they disclose that they or someone else is at risk. So, it’s a safe space where they can get everything off their chest. And your child can always let their healthcare team know if they feel uncomfortable or if things are moving too fast. 

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Supporting children and young people with grief and loss

Read tips and guidance from professionals in our bereavement services on how best to support children and young people with grief and loss.

Grief can be overwhelming after experiencing trauma, but with the right support children can start to recover.

Just like adults, children can carry grief and sadness with them. When it really grips children, it can take away their hope.

If young people have lost a loved one, or lost their normal support systems, they may feel isolated or anxious about the future.

How we help with grief, loss and bereavement

Barnardo’s supports hundreds of children to feel renewed hope for the future and that it can bring better things.

Every year, we work with children and young people who are dealing with loss, bereavement and grief through our UK-wide services.

We are becoming a trauma informed organisation so that all our staff have the skills to recognise and respond to trauma and promote well-being.

We work to support children, young people and families who have experienced loss, in a way that makes sure their mental well-being is addressed to allow them to thrive

We find opportunities to support, but also to play, so that bereaved children are not followed by grief all the time. It takes time for our lives to move on. 

Read our guides

How to talk to your child about grief

Talking to a child about loss and death is tough and you might not know where to start. These expert tips can help you feel more confident in discussing it with them.

Children feel similar emotions to adults when they lose a loved one, but they may not be able to express it in the same way.

Instead, it may jump out seemingly at random, with outbursts of anger, excitement or sadness. They may sometimes appear to accept the death, and later become distressed and upset. It is important they are given the time, space and support they need to manage this.

Explaining death to children and young people

Because they do not understand the concept of death – what it really means, the effects of it, and that it happens to everyone – they need help to process the concepts in a clear way. For example, our Child Bereavement Service recommends that the cause of death (in simple terms) should be shared with children, so they are not at risk of blaming themselves. Being made aware that everyone eventually dies, but normally not until they are very old, can help address the worry that everyone else around them may also die soon. The words “death” or “dead” should be used, rather than phrases like “gone to sleep”, “lost” or “gone”.

The honest and direct language reduces confusion, and gives the child or young person all the information that you have. It may feel uncomfortable, or like you’re giving them more to worry about, but in reality you’re taking away all the things they could invent on their own when you tell them the truth:

“I have something very sad and difficult to tell you. **** has died. Do you remember I told you they had cancer and that the doctors and nurses were doing everything they could to help them get better? Well, even though they tried really hard, their illness was too strong and their body could not get better. Their lungs stopped working and their heart stopped beating and they died.”

How children and young people think about death

The age, or stage, that your child is at will have an impact on how they understand and cope with the death of a loved one. Our Child Bereavement Service has compiled How to explain death to children and young people and help them cope, a guide that explains how you can best support your child through a bereavement, how to deal with a funeral and provides a framework for how the child may be processing the death based on their age:

0-2 years

Children experience feelings of pain and loss. They will protest loudly and may search repeatedly for the deceased. They need a consistent routine, cuddles and hugs and they need to be told repeatedly that the person will not be returning. It is important that special memories and photographs are kept for the children as they grow older.

2-5 years

Children at this stage think very literally, so use of language is extremely important.

Statements such as, ‘‘gone for a long sleep’’ and ‘’we’ve lost him/her’’ can often cause confusion. They still do not understand that death cannot be reversed, and need to be told repeatedly that the dead cannot come back.

At this age, children may believe that their actions can impact on the world around them and that, in some ways, they may have caused the death. They need to be told that people die for a variety of reasons, but not because of anything we say.

Children at this age will often act out through play what is happening around them. They need their questions answered openly, honestly and simply. It is also important to maintain a consistent routine.

5-8 years

Children can usually understand that death is irreversible and universal. They will ask frequent questions about death and may become preoccupied with thoughts of death. They may sometimes feel responsible for the surviving members and they need to be allowed to be children, not overwhelmed with adult responsibilities.

It helps if the child can explore feelings of guilt and responsibility and that their questions are answered openly and honestly. It is important that they get support at school, as often children who are bereaved feel different. They often experience bullying at school because of this. They may have temper tantrums, sleep disturbance, nightmares, and also may act younger than their age.

8-12 years

At this stage, children usually understand that death is irreversible, universal and has a cause. Communication can become difficult and grief can be expressed in terms of physical aches and pains or challenging behaviour.

They need the opportunity to talk to a trusted adult. They need reassurance about changes in lifestyle, for example the money situation and whether they can remain in their house. Also they need support at school in dealing with peer groups, and they may be more vulnerable to bullying.

13-18 years

Teenagers are particularly vulnerable as at this stage they try to solve problems themselves and find it difficult to seek help and support from adults.

They understand the concept of death, but may not have the emotional maturity to deal with it. It is normal for adolescents to have difficulty talking to their parents, but they need the opportunity to talk to trusted adults or peers. School can provide security and routine, however, it can also be a place where they feel isolated, different and have difficulties with school work. They may feel overwhelmed by exams and coursework.

Adolescents need choice when it comes to the funeral and subsequent life changes. At the same time they should not be burdened with adult responsibilities, for example ‘’Be strong for your mother’’ or ‘’You’re the man of the house now.’’

Funerals and grieving

Rituals often provide comfort and can involve a wake, funeral, burial or cremation with a gathering or meal afterwards. This is an opportunity to share stories and memories of our loved one where we can laugh, cry and remember.

If you are not able to view the body or attend a service, it can be difficult to accept the reality of the death. If it is not possible for a child or young person to attend some suggestions from the Children’s Bereavement Service are:

talk children through what happened at the service

some venues allow a live stream so that people at home can watch the funeral

where possible photographs can be taken to show children and young people to help them understand what happens at a funeral

keepsakes from the funeral service can be very meaningful for children. For example, some flowers from the tributes to press and keep; a leaf from one of the trees in the grounds; a pebble from the surrounding area; the order of service

children can participate by contributing to some of the choices within the short ceremony. For example, they could choose a piece of music, select a poem, or suggest flowers, write and/or draw cards to be placed on or in the coffin or choose a toy or something meaningful to be placed with the person’s body

Things for parents to watch for

When a child or young person experiences the death of someone they care about, there are certain behaviours you can be on the lookout for.

Have you noticed any changes? Maybe they are more active and noisy, or more quiet and withdrawn? Are there more questions? Do small things upset them? Does your child need more reassurance, hugs or want to be more close than usual? Are bedtimes more difficult, hard for your child to settle?

Whatever the change, it may be a sign that your child is struggling to make sense of these new and strange times. It’s also important to remember that being quieter doesn’t always mean your child is doing OK. It could be a sign that they deal with changes by being more withdrawn and introverted.

Talking to your child in a supportive way – free of negativity or judgement – about the changes you’ve noticed in them can make them feel understood by you. If you can show them that you understand that things are tough, and that you want to help them get through this, they may be able to open up to you more honestly.

Our Children’s Bereavement Service recommends:

picking your communication moment carefully. Maybe when your child is having a morning snack, or while you are sitting quietly on the sofa together, or during a quiet-time before bed

ask your child how they are with the situation. Listen to them

don’t ask lots of questions

gently speak about any differences you’ve noticed in how they’ve been

if they’re reluctant to talk, you can name some of the changes that other people are coping with and the things they are worried about

Supporting yourself

You are doing your best supporting your children or young person, and that is all they need. It’s important to remember that you’re grieving too, and you also need to take care of yourself.

We recommend that you:

try to stay emotionally connected with others using text, email and messages as well as via social media and phone calls

allow yourself to feel even though it is painful

keep talking to those who are closest to you even if they are physically far away. Try to phone someone each day

keep to routines such as mealtimes, getting up time and getting washed and dressed as well as bed time.

try to get outside for some fresh air

check in with your children and young people

understand that your children and young people dip in and out of their emotions quickly. They will set their own pace

allow children and young people to connect with other family, cousins as well as friends

limit the amount of news and social media you consume while feeling sad as it can increase feelings of distress

be tolerant and kind to yourself

7 tips for helping children cope with grief

Losing of a loved one is a huge life event – especially for a child. The feelings of loss, grief, uncertainty and sadness can feel overwhelming at first. Our experts have some advice to help deal with loss.

The death of a loved one is a huge life event. The feelings of loss, grief, uncertainty, and sadness can feel overwhelming whatever your age. Our Child Bereavement Service have put together some advice to help you support a child or young person dealing with a bereavement. 

1. Talk to your child

Children and young people may feel the loss more strongly and might worry about your physical wellbeing. It is not uncommon for children to become confused about death once they’ve experienced loss for the first time. Parents and other adults need to help them understand the concept of death and this is best done by giving your child clear, age-appropriate information on a frequent basis. Read more about talking to children about grief.

2. Keep them moving and get fresh air

Try to ensure your child gets outside regularly. Spending time in the fresh air of a garden or park, or by taking a walk can be a mood booster. If you can’t get out, try moving at home by dancing to a favourite song or doing a child-friendly exercise class on YouTube if you can access it. These can help your wellbeing and decrease stress and anxiety. However, if the bereavement has also affected you make sure you look after yourself and rest if you need to. Don’t feel guilty if you are also struggling.

3. Remember your loved one

Grieving can be difficult but talking about and remembering a loved one can help you cope. Some psychologists have moved away from the idea of ‘letting go’ of the deceased, and there is now a recognition of the importance of what is called ‘continuing bonds’.

This means that for some people, specifically those where the relationship was a good and emotionally stable one, keeping a connection with the deceased becomes a healthy part of life after loss. Things like talking to them (out loud or in your head), writing them letters, keeping photos of them around, telling new people in your life about them can play a part in a healthy life after losing someone. This all happens in a way that doesn’t stop the person from loving again and being able to live their lives happily. This can also be beneficial for children who might not have been able to get to know a family member who has died.

Creating a grief self-care kit can be a good way to start and continue these conversations. If you’re a parent, grandparent, or carer to a child who has experienced the death of a loved one you could make one together. This is a box that’s packed with objects that ground your child and help them feel calm. Read more about making a grief self-care kit.

4. Stay connected to other people

Ensuring that grief doesn’t isolate us is important. Even though you might just want to curl up under a duvet and ignore the world try to ensure your child, and you, stay connected to other people. If you can, set up playdates at home or in a park. You could try a phone or video call where you can sit down with a hot drink together. Try to stay connected to your friends and family even if you only talk for a few minutes each day.

5. Talk to a professional

Speaking to friends and family helps a great deal, but sometimes it can be easier talking to a stranger, or someone impartial who can help you look at things in a different way.

For adults who want advice about a child or young person who has been bereaved, read our How to explain death to children and young people and help them cope leaflet. You could also encourage children to speak to a trusted adult at school. They may be able to refer you to others who can help.

Visit our Mental health and emotional wellbeing page for resources to help support a child with poor mental health.

If you are an adult who is struggling with grief, Cruse offers adults free bereavement support (opens in new window).

6. Reach out to others who might be struggling

Reaching out to friends and family that are also grieving can provide support for both of you. Dropping off some shopping, sending flowers or a note to let them know you’re thinking of them or phoning to talk about how you’re both feeling can be beneficial for everyone.

7.  Be open and honest

Explaining a death to a child can be a difficult task, but our belief and experience is that a concerned adult can help a child manage their feelings of pain and loss. Parents and other adults need to help them understand the concept of death and this is best done by giving clear, age-appropriate, honest information on a frequent basis.

When explaining a death to a child it is important to try to use the word ‘dead’ or ‘death’ rather than phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’, ‘lost’’ or ’gone to a better place’. These phrases cause confusion for young children and can lead to unnecessary anxiety. Some children can become worried about what will happen to them when they go to sleep or if they see their parents fall asleep.

Young children need to be told repeatedly that when someone dies they can never come back. As an adult these questions may feel painful but they need their questions answered openly, honestly and simply. Read more about how to talk to your child about grief.

Read more resources to help you support a child or young person coping with grief.

7 things you need to know about grief

Grief can be overwhelming after experiencing the trauma of losing someone but with the right support, recovery can begin. Here’s seven things you need to know about grief and loss.

Grief can be overwhelming after you’ve been through trauma, but with the right support recovery can begin. We’ve put together seven facts about grief to help explain the process, for you and your children.

1. Grief is a painful, but normal, experience

Loss and grief are part of life. Throughout our life, we all experience the death of loved ones, and grieve for them. It is painful and sad, working out what life looks like without the loved one can be difficult, and coping with the loss once it happens can be a struggle.

It is important to remember when grieving that everyone goes through it, and there are people who want to help you through it. That can be friends, family, your GP, a therapist or counsellor, someone within your faith community, a charity or a helpline.

 2. Grief does come in stages and is not a straight line

You might have heard that there are stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), but psychologists now think this doesn’t fully capture what grieving is like. It can have an affect on all aspects of someone – their body, their thoughts, their social and cultural relationships and more.

The image here shows how grief, and recovery from it, are linked – as a person starts to feel better, they can bounce back and forth between feeling happy and sad.

You may have experienced this when you are suddenly struck with those same intense feelings of grief after months or years of feeling fine, and it seems to be out of the blue. This doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress, or that you aren’t healing, or that you’re not coping well. It can just mean that like lots of things in life, recovering from grief is complex.

This is why psychologists have moved away from the idea that recovery from grief flows in one direction.

3. Grief is not the same thing as depression

Although parts of grief and depression feel the same, grief is separate from depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Sadness, tiredness, sleep and appetite loss, low energy and difficulty concentrating are some of the symptoms of depression most seen, but many of these can overlap with feelings of grief. But it isn’t quite right to think that everyone grieving is depressed, and needs the same treatment as depression. 

For most bereaved people, with time and support they can make sense of the loss and build their life around their grief. It can be a difficult, sad and exhausting process, but therapy/grief work is not always necessary. There is even sometimes what is called “post-traumatic growth” following a loss, where a person might start to see the world they live in differently, same for their relationships, and how they live their lives. However, it’s important to remember: if the symptoms of grief do not start to subside over time, it can mean the grief is trickier, and they might be feeling complex grief (point 4).

Find out more about depression in children.

4. How grief can be complex

Though it is still a debated aspect of grief therapy, when someone is suffering grief symptoms for a long time (six or more months after the loss), and is struggling to rebuild a life without the deceased person, certain practitioners believe they may be experiencing what is now known as complex grief.

Affecting around 10-15% of people, complex grief can include things like:

An extreme longing for the person, and not accepting they have died

Being preoccupied with memories, thoughts or pictures of the deceased person that might interfere with joining in on activities, or other relationships

Painful, hard-to-control emotions such as guilt, anger or bitterness

Avoiding situations or people that might trigger any memories

Having a hard time getting back to a sense of purpose, or joy in life

When we lose someone, any of these emotions or reactions can very naturally pop up as we move towards understanding our world without our loved one in it. But when we don’t start to feel better, and can’t find a way forward around six or more months after losing a loved one, that it is considered to be complex grief.

COVID-19 might lead to complex grief more often because of the trauma associated with the deaths: not being able to see loved ones, not being able to be close to them or hold them, feeling like the death is just a statistic, and having social support and religious or cultural practices shut down can all lead to a greater trauma for the survivors.

If you need support or are struggling with loss and grief, please see our Get Help page for more information.

5. Children and young people will have different understandings of death

Children feel similar emotions to adults when they lose a loved one, but they can’t express it in the same way. Instead, it may jump out at random: outbursts of anger, excitement or sadness. Sometimes they might seem like they’ve accepted the death, but later become angry, distressed and upset. It’s important they are given the time, space and support they need to manage this.

Because young children in particular do not understand the concept of death – what it really means, the effects of it, and that it happens to everyone – they need help to process the concepts in a clear way. For example, Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Service recommends that the words “death” or “dead” are used, rather than phrases like “gone to sleep”, “lost” or “gone” – this helps reduce any confusion or anxiety. Additionally, the cause of death (in simple terms) should be shared, so they are not at risk of blaming themselves. Being made aware that everyone eventually dies, but normally not until they are very old, can help address the worry that everyone else around them may also die soon.

The Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Service has compiled a guide that talks about the different experiences of grief that children and young people feel at different ages and stages, and provides tips on explaining death to them and giving them support.

6. Continuing bonds

The four tasks of mourning are generally accepted to be:

Accepting the reality of the loss

Working through the pain and grief

Adjusting to a world without the deceased

Finding a connection with the deceased while starting out a new life

It is this last task that brings us to the continuing bonds theory of grief. Some psychologists have moved away from the idea of ‘letting go’ of the deceased, and instead now some talk about ‘continuing bonds’.

This means that for some people (especially when the relationship was good and emotionally stable), keeping a connection with the deceased becomes a healthy part of life. It might sound strange, but things like writing letters to them, talking to them (out loud or in your head), keeping photos of them around, talking about them to new people in your life can play a part in a healthy life after losing someone. It’s important that these things happen in a way that doesn’t stop the person from moving on with their life, loving again and being able to live their lives happily.

7. Supporting yourself

It’s important to remember when you’re grieving and taking care of others to also take time for yourself. You are grieving too.

Some tips for self-care during grieving:

Try to stay emotionally connected using text, email and messages as well as via social media and phone calls.

Allow yourself to feel emotions even though it is painful.

Keep talking to those who are closest to you even if they are physically far away. Try to phone someone each day.

Keep to routines such as mealtimes, getting up time and getting washed and dressed as well as bed time.

Try to get outside for some fresh air.

Check in with your children and young people.

Understand that your children and young people dip in and out of their emotions quickly. They will set their own pace.

Allow children and young people to connect with other family, cousins as well as friends.

Limit the amount of news and social media you consume whilst feeling sad as it can enhance your feelings of distress.

Be tolerant and kind to yourself.

Would you like more information on how to talk to your child about grief? We’ve put together a guide from our practitioners to help you cope.

Where to get emergency help

If you think a child is in immediate danger, dial 111 or contact your local authority social care department.

If you are a child and you need help, call Childline’s 24-hour support service on 080 .

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